Before I go any further, I apologize in advance........... actually, I'm cutting three spots in front of advance................................................ to apologize for the length of this post. You can blame: my photgraphically-telented Mother who sent me about 200 ooooberly-fantastical pictures to choose from, as well as this newby-sixteen year old who has plenty to say about stepping up in the world slowly slowly slowly--. I mean it.
Barefoot baby steps.
On feathers.
Plucked from an eclectus parrot.
October was a hectic month. The calendar called for some busy weeks before my big day. Seriously, those suckers were crazy. I wasn't back in Winston until two days before my actual party. Nerves=kerrr-plop, ka-boom, wa-bang, and dooo-wap...... all intertwined into one big action-sounding word that belongs in a comic book somewhere.
But still, life didn't seem to be readying me for anything new.
What dooo I want?
I want adventure (shocker shocker). I want to embrace the unknown. I want a wild happiness that makes it to where people can't help but wonder about my Creator. I want to stop blaming the world for our corruption, and I want to own up to my own faults. I want to stop being SO selfish and start sharing my faith with more people. I want others to see a light in me. I want to write words that get caught in people's throat when they read them aloud, words that they repeat in their heads over and over again.
Sometimes I just wanna kick fear in the shins and do what I was meant to do. My heart is still pumping. Which means I'm alive. Which means I have some kind of purpose to fulfill. Which means I have a reason to stare life straight in the eyeballs and make a difference in doing so.
I don't know what I'll want tomorrow. Or the day after that.
But for some reason that's totally okay with me.
If it weren't for my Aunt and Uncle who helped make--let me rephrase.... They DID MAKE my invitations, and bought most of the food, and worked their tails off to make me happy.
If it weren't for my Pearly who drove me around to random spots of Winston and helped me pick wildflowers off the side of the road to stick in big blue mason jars, that she arranged herself (because I don't have very much skill in the wildflower arranging department).
If it weren't for my Micah and Caroline who helped make everything look bootimus.
If it weren't for Harvey and Jeff who brought their guitar, mandolin, and vocal talents to share around the fire, which made my heart skip wayy more than a single beat.
If it weren't for Grammy-Lou and Larryyyyy who have the best party-farmhouse in the history of party-farmhouses, and all their help hanging lights and moving furniture around to meet my fancy.
And lastly, I think.... If it weren't for my Momma. My oh-so-special Momma who high-tailed it all the way to North Carolina to flip pancakes 'til 2am, to rip fabric into shreds (to the point of finger-nubs), to take glorious pictures for me, to be my little piece of Ohio making my big day that much more special. Who could have made my big day perfect even if she was the only thing in sight........
Basically, what I'm trying to say-- is that without them.... My sweet sixteen wouldn't have been possible. At all. At all, at all, at alll.
That night I blew out the candles without wishing. --Partly because I had trouble blowing them all out of every individual cupcake, and kinda forgot to even make a wish.--
But I've somehow found myself okay with this messy, psychologically draining, load of crap life --because without all the "crap" there couldn't be all the happy-tear-jerking, laughable moments that I find myself living for more than anything else. This Jesus of mine has had His hand on me for sixteen years, and I can gladly count on Him to do the same for the ones to come. No matter where I am, what I'm doing, or who I'm with.
"And this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His Will, He heareth us: And if we know that He hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of Him." (1 John 5:14-15)
I keep this one bookmarked. With a valentine-- from Chase-- that says God made you special. Seriously, I love that boy.
But I keep it marked because it's a reminder to me that when I choose to hand over my wants to God, He'll take them. And keep them. If I truly want to obey God's Will for my life (which I do-- just a friendly FYI), I have to learn to hand it all over to God. And not only only hand it over, but be prepared for what He hands back. What He calls me to do. Where He calls me to, or if He calls me to stay.
I mean, I'm always telling myself that running away to Africa and adopting seven children will solve all my problems. Being surrounded by poverty, disease, and malnourished bald headed kiddos that will have a smile on their face no matter what.
Would I love for that to be my calling? Oh my goodness YES. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Hands down. No questions asked.
But what if it's not? What if God doesn't need me there? What if He needs me somewhere else? Am I willing to accept that?
All big questions that require lots of pondering. Although, it's still cool to know that God already knows the answers. And I don't mean that cliche "God knows all the answers". I mean it as in, He's preparing you (and me), right now. Right this very second. For His answer. He's getting you ready, setting your mind and heart in the right place, so that when He gives you that answer, you'll know what to do with it. You'll be ready AND WILLING to respond.
But until that day, I can only hope and pray that I'll be ready. That I'll respond the way He wants me to. In a way that not only honors and glorifies God, but a way that encourages others to respond the same way.
Wow, I really wasn't intending on writing that much. But since I have, I once again apologize.
Over and out, girl scout.
